I (Jeff) am not even going to look up the statistics. Partly because I don’t think I would trust them, and partly because I think I would find depressing stats. Today I talked with a couple who have had the opportunity to visit in almost twenty churches this year. This couple had occasion to spend a fair amount of time with the pastors and wives in these churches. The churches they visited were mostly small churches. They did not give me a good report. Tired Pastors
What they told me was that most of the pastors are discouraged, a little fried, losing hope, and at their wit’s end trying to find enough time to accomplish what they believe God is calling them to do. These pastors don’t have any additional time or energy to think about outreach in places far from home. They don’t want to hear about the needs of lost people in the 10/40 window, because they are still trying to figure out how to reach the lost people they can see in their neighborhood outside their own windows. Most of the pastors this couple spent time with in 2014 are tired. Culture is changing in an unhelpful way, and they are losing hope that they will be able to create new ideas and the change their churches need. Tired Pastor’s Wives The report on the pastors’ wives is no better. Many of them feel trapped, lonely, and hopeless. Their husbands are married to the ministry, and when they do come home, they often have nothing left for the family or their spouse. The wives know they must continue to support their husbands and church members, and they are also tired, sometimes resentful, and mostly losing hope. After talking with this couple, I considered doing some research on the health of ministry couples – their psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. But I don’t want to. I almost don’t want to know. These 3 things might help us! 1. We need to change paradigms. A paradigm is simply a pattern or model for how things are or should be. We need to change the pattern of pastoral ministry. It needs to be less about pleasing people, and more about reaching people. It needs to be less about burning out leadership, and more about leading out of health and fullness, even overflow. It needs to be less about strategizing and structuring for convenience – i.e. we always do it this way because it’s just much easier and less time consuming than trying to reinvent things, and more about strategizing and structuring for effectiveness and outcomes. I know, it’s easier to do things the way we’ve always done them. Who has the time these days to get people together, brainstorm, listen to ideas and suggestions, try things, perhaps fail, tweak approaches, revamp, etc. etc. Let’s just try to adjust a little, and run with the tried and true. Except the tried and true just isn’t that anymore. We need new ways of doing things that reflect the reality we now exist in. Somehow, pastors must work with their people, and not for their people. They must account for burnout and allow for rest and renewal. Pastors’ wives need room to be themselves, have fun, choose their own mold, and get the best part of their husbands, not just the dregs at the end of the day. 2. We need to live and minister through the power of God, Father, Son, and Spirit! The power to change lives is not our power, it’s Jesus’ power. Without him, we can do… well, you know. Can we surrender our alleged power to his power, and trust him to lead, grow, and change his church? 3. We need to release our church to Jesus. Let’s sign over the ownership of our sheep to the Good Shepherd. They’re his sheep anyway. We don’t need to control people. We need to love, serve, teach, and shepherd people, but not control them. Hey, we can’t anyway. They’re going to do what they want to do. If we model a surrendered life, dependent on Jesus, to them, then maybe they will also surrender to Jesus, and depend on him! Helpful Questions I have just a couple questions that you could ask your spouse and your board. These questions might just start the conversation (if you have the strength and faith to even have the conversations!) Ask your spouse if he or she feels like they are getting enough of you at home – at least some of the best of you. Maybe something like, “How are you doing as a pastor’s wife? Is how I am pastoring our church helping you or hurting you? What could I do better?” Ask your board – “Are the things that we are doing as a church helping us to fulfill our mission of making disciples? What could we do better?” Let’s go back to when ministry was something we all longed for as pastors – when we got excited for the phone to ring, and when we were thankful if others needed us. Let’s get back to resting and renewal, so that the passion for the lost can again be kindled in our souls.
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On our blog post for Monday, September 15, 2014 Jeff shared his story of walking through the valley of anxiety and panic with his wife, Debbie. He talked about how they didn't know what was going on, why she would have panic attacks, and why anxiety was her daily companion. It took them ten years before they found help... in their doctor's office.
On today's podcast, episode 88, Jonny's father recounts his virtually life-long experience with depression. As a pastor for forty years, he has been in the depression management business the entire time. Wait until you hear when he finally began to talk about it and reach out for help! (hint: you'll only need the fingers on one hand!) Our desire is for YOU to find help and hope a lot sooner than Jeff and his wife did, or than Jonny's father did. In our day medicine has figured out so many of the mental health mysteries. There's more discovery to be had for sure, but we are so much farther than we were in the 60's... or 90's. Jonny's Dad, David Craig, has written a book about depression, the first of a trilogy. You can find his book, The Birds Sang A Sad Song, here on Amazon, or at his website at DavidCCraig.net. Are you suffering with challenges related to mental health? Please get help! You don't have to face it alone. That is the LIE that so many people with mental health problems face - "no one cares, you are all alone". People do care about you, you are NOT alone. RESOURCES TO HELP YOU First, if you feel that you have no one, try us! Email us at jeff@200churches.com or jonny@200churches.com. Here are a couple websites that offer help. We cannot vouch for everything on these sites, we're just small church pastors, after all! But, they are a place for you to get started:
I thank God that nonaddictive medication is available. Medication for depression is not like sleeping pills or Valium. Antidepressants are nonaddictive. They are taken until one’s body learns to produce enough serotonin again and a person is able to get proper rest. When a person breaks his arm, he wears a cast until it heals. It is a similar process with serotonin. When I pastored, I frequently worked with ministers who were in severe depression. I recommended they visit a Christian psychiatrist or psychologist, get on antidepressants, and get balanced out. It is okay to get help. Antidepressants are a great gift. They are like insulin for a person with diabetes. What would we do without insulin? Your primary, #1, above-all-else, first-and-foremost ministry in life is to your family. There is no qualifier here. No "but," "or," or "and." There is no out-clause. No work around. No ifs, ands, or buts. You can be a pastor of 5 people or 5,000 people, but either way it's the same. Your primary ministry is to your family. This week on the podcast we're talking to Dan Reiland, and as always the content is OFF THE CHARTS for pastors and leaders. Dan really is a never-ending source of amazing leadership lessons and encouragement and he has a HUGE heart for small church pastors.
But one part of our conversation is still stuck in my mind from when we talked a few months ago. (Sorry for the spoiler, but yes, we do record many of our episodes months ahead). He talked about taking a trip with his son to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Why does that stick out to me? Because that's what really keeps Dan going. He loves leadership and training and mentoring, but when we asked Dan how he was doing and what he was up to, that's the story he told us. This weekend Jeff's oldest son got married. Jeff is in the thick of his final and fullest semester of seminary and is up to his ears in school work. He's burning the candle at both ends and a little in the middle. It's incredible. But in the midst of it all, he carved out a whole bunch of quality time with his son this week. He shut out all the noise of school and ministry and was just dad to his son. The church can burn. You can fail out of school. You cannot steal time from your family. Tonight I read my son to sleep. That's not some incredible admission or me campaigning for a "Dad of the Year" trophy, it's something I do pretty much every night. And every night after he's snoozing soundly, I just stare at him a minute. And I take it in. The church can burn. You can let the emails pile up. You cannot steal time from your family. I encourage you to check out your life. Really. This isn't a guilt trip, it's just a check up. How's your family? How's your primary ministry? Are you a pastor first, or a dad/mom/husband/wife first? When all the chips are on the table, which side of the table are they on? If you're on the right track, stay there. If you've lost your way, today is the day to find your way back. Friends. We need them. We need friends who understand and accept us. We need friends who will love us even when we give them reason not to. How are you doing for friends? Do you have a close friend in whom you could confide your deepest fears, failures, and sins – as well as your highest hopes, joys, and dreams? I have just a couple close friends that fit that category. I think everybody needs at least one! Thankfully, I have good friends. New friends, like Jonny Craig, old friends, like Rob Tarnoviski – and lots of friends in between. Friends live life with us. They make the highs higher, and the lows not quite so low. They multiply our successes and minimize our failures. Ministry friends are important for us to have as pastors. They understand our unique struggles and can empathize with us. They give us insight along the way and guide us away from disasters. Our prayer and wish for you is that you have many life-giving friends who encourage you and lift you up. We have met some new friends since embarking on the 200churches Podcast journey. Just yesterday we talked with a new one on Skype who we hope to invite onto the podcast in the near future. But for now, Jonny and I would like to share just two of our newest ministry friends with you. Karl Vaters is at newsmallchurch.com. We want to welcome back Karl Vaters from Europe/Eastern Europe today! We don’t know about you, but we've missed his contributions to leaders and pastors of small churches throughout the month of September! We've missed his posts at www.newsmallchurch.com. We are very thankful that he was able to travel and do ministry internationally, encouraging leaders of small churches across the ocean. Welcome back Karl! We are excited to have Karl join us on the 200churches Podcast on October 23, 2013 to tell us all about his ministry trip and how he was able to help pastors. Karl shared with pastors the message of his book, The Grasshopper Myth: Big Churches, Small Churches, and the Small Thinking that Divides Us. We are devoting that episode to him so that he can share with all of us what God has done both through him, and in him. That will be Episode 41 of the podcast on Wednesday, October 23, 2013. Watch Jim Powell talk about the 95Network!
Another friend of small church pastors is Jim Powell from the 95Network.com! Jim mentors and coaches leaders of small and medium sized churches through his online coaching video pods. Jonny and I joined him on one recently and it was really helpful and instructive. Jim has encouraged us as we began here at 200churches and we have kept in touch along the way. Jim is joining us on Episode 40 of the podcast on Wednesday, October 16, 2013. He talks with us about his new book, Dirt Matters The Foundation For a Healthy, Vibrant, And Effective Congregation, which delves into the culture of a church and how that affects its health and growth. The “Dirt” refers to the culture, or soil of a church, and what kind of soil is needed to grow a healthy church. We are all busy in ministry, and often too busy to cultivate meaningful community. But we benefit so much when we make time for friends. The day before this post comes out on 200churches.com, I will have met for lunch with a friend I have not seen in at least five years. He’s a pastor in my home state of New York, and as I write this, I can’t wait to see him and catch up on the last five or so years! How about you? Is there a friend you need to call today? Maybe because you need the call, or perhaps because you think he or she may need it? We want to encourage you to invest in friendships, both old and new – and as I’ve always told my kids: “It’s important for you to have the right friends, but it’s equally important for you to be the right friend to others!” p.s. Your love and care for, and leadership of, your 200church matters huge in God’s Kingdom! They say that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. That is often true in a 200church. The loudest person often receives the most attention. The loudest are often the ones with complaints and gripes. They may be the ones who are upset that things are not going their way. I say move them to the back of the line! What about the quiet widow who is lonely and hurting? She will never say anything to you, or complain that you haven’t visited her. She should move to the front of the line.
What about the man who is worried to death about his job? There have been layoffs and cutbacks and he is afraid he is the next neck on the chopping block. But he won’t complain to you or ask for help. He will die trying… to fix his own issues and problems. He should move to the front of the line. How about the child who is compliant and obedient because she is afraid of disappointing dad, or because he is trying to compensate for not being the brightest bulb on the athletic team? They won’t complain or gripe. They also won’t ask for help. The quiet children and teenagers need to be moved to the front of the line. How about the couple that serves week in and week out? They will never ask for a week off. They will show up with a fever. They are empty, because they give and give, and get little encouragement or recognition in return, saying they are “doing it for Jesus”. Believe them, they are doing it for Jesus, so be Jesus to them and encourage them and love on them for the work they do. Are you worried about the loud ones, the complainers? Are you spending a lot of energy trying to fix their problems or make them happy? Forget it. Move toward the oiled wheels, the ones that aren’t squeaking. Like high blood pressure, the silent killer, these people are dying in their silence and they will never tell anyone. No one will know until it is too late. Help the ones who are hurting right in your own congregation. Let this short post encourage you to move toward the quiet, hurting person in your church this week, with love and care. Help them, and in the spirit of Matthew 25, help Jesus.
What's it like to raise ministry kids? Well, honestly, not a whole lot different than raising any other kids! We believe that raising kids in the context of ministry in the local church is a huge benefit. Being a pastor's kid has its pros and cons, but we think there a ton more pros!
In Episode 34, Jeff and Jonny talk about pastor's kids, and are joined by Jeff's son, Doug. Doug and Jonny are both pastor's kids and have grown up in a ministry family. Jonny has two preschool sons, and Jeff has three adult children, and one at home. In this episode, you get both perspectives: raising pastor's kids, and being one!
We've all heard it before – the pastor’s kids, the elder’s kids, and the deacon’s kids are all the worst. They are the behind the scenes disasters waiting to happen. They are the worst behaved, the most manipulative, and the sneakiest troublemakers of all the kids in the church. Watch out for the pastor’s kids. Urban legends die hard. As my kids got older, and were, well, good kids, people would seem delightfully impressed by the reality that they were not skulks. They sometimes acted surprised by the fact. Many would say, just wait, until they start walking, or talking, or get into the terrible twos, or threes, or go to school, or make the wrong friends, or hit junior high, or become teenagers, or get into high school, or get a boyfriend or girlfriend, or… something! Just wait.
I’m still waiting. The truth is, I don’t know if being a pastor’s kid has much to do with it. In fact, I never told my kids they were pastor’s kids. I’m not sure they would know the difference. They’re just my kids. I would actually go out of my way on occasion, when giving them a specific directive, and say, “This is not because I am a pastor, it’s because we’re Christians. We would do this if I were a truck driver or insurance salesman” (no offense to truck drivers or insurance salesmen!). Sometimes there were situations, although I can’t think of a single instance, I know there were a couple, where I would say, “we are the pastor’s family, and we need to do this, and it’s OK.” But ninety nine percent of the time, the fact that I was a pastor never affected the things we did or did not do as a family. This week we are going to talk about pastor’s kids on the podcast. Jonny grew up in a pastor’s home, and at least one of my adult kids will join us, to talk about what it’s like to be a pastor’s kid. We will discuss the pros and the cons, the blessings and the challenges. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out, because we haven’t recorded it yet – so we might all be surprised! I have a feeling that the experience a kid has in a pastor’s family has much more to do with the parents than it does with ministry, or even any specific church. This is true with most any family though, and a pastor’s family is no different. The parents set the tone for the family, they determine the direction of the kids’ hearts. I mean, don’t they? I think we’ll talk about that on Wednesday’s episode. One of my kids recently told me that a positive to being a PK was that church people were nice to him. I think this has as much to do with his attitude as it has to do with the people themselves. He has a positive attitude, and he perceives people positively. However, we have some really good people in our church, and they certainly have treated him well. We want to encourage you that your kids in ministry can have a phenomenal experience and truly be blessed to be in a ministry home. That’s our goal. But for today, know this: your heart, your attitude, and your integrity as a parent will have everything to do with how your children turn out. If you are the real deal, it is highly likely they will be too! What questions might you have about raising kids in a pastor’s home? Put them in the comments below and we will try to answer them in the podcast this week! Guess what happened today, Good Friday?! Remember that baby that Jonny and his wife were expecting… for the last nine months? He made his arrival this morning, joining Mom and Dad, and big Brother! We actually had two babies born from moms in our church today, two hours apart, in the same hospital, just across the hall from each other. It was a good day in our community! Normally we publish a blog post on Friday mornings, but we were all a little busy “integrating” with our community today – so here is a special Easter weekend edition!
We began a discussion about Integrating with Our Community this week, and we will continue it in the future for sure, but for now, let’s wrap up this week’s topic with four “community laws” I try to live by as a pastor. Community Law #1: Love what your people love. If we as pastors are really going to love our people, that includes loving what our people love. I have never liked it when pastors told me that they have moved into a community to pastor a church, but they did not particularly like the culture of the town or the church. In a couple weeks our theme will be Staying Put – the Benefits of a Long Ministry, in that podcast we will talk about long term ministry, and how we must love our people, and love what they love! If we choose to mock and laugh at the culture of our people, or to stand on the sidelines and watch their lives from afar, we will never have an effective ministry. And, if we can’t even integrate into the community of our own church family, we’ll never have the heart, desire, or commitment to reach into our neighborhood community. In our town we have an annual five day Tulip Festival. The first year I was here and experienced it I did so as an outsider. I thought it was strange. Nice, but strange! After two years I realized the positive outcomes and benefits this Tulip Festival has on our community every year. I also realized how proud our people are of their town and how much they love the Tulip Festival. I chose to love what my people love. Every year I look forward to the Tulip Festival, I participate in some way, and I get to live life with people in our community. I am better for it! Community Law #2: Love what your community loves. What are the things that set your community apart from other communities in your region of the state? Are there certain restaurants, attractions, or events for which your community is known? Is there a sports team, Philharmonic Orchestra, or other community attraction in your town? You can choose to love what your community loves. Perhaps in your community there is an annual event or tradition at which most of the town shows up, or there is a national landmark, local attraction, or the commemoration of an historical event which draw lots of people and about which your community is proud. You can choose to love what your community loves, and in turn, love your community! Community Law #3 - Go where your community goes. Where does your community go? Do you pass up local businesses to get a “better deal” in the next town? Unless it is absolutely cost prohibitive, you should shop in your community, and go where your community goes. Is there a park, library, or restaurant where a ton of people from your community can be found? Then you go there too! When you go where your community goes, you will be able to integrate with your community that much better. Community Law #4 - Do what your community does. Do people in your community take care of their lawns, then take care of yours. Do they take walks in the park? Then you take walks in the park too! Do people in your community recycle, cycle, watch movies, go to the Y, attend the Opera, shop at the Farmer’s Market, walk their dogs, or fly RC planes through the park? Then you do it too. Do what your community does, and you can begin to integrate with your community. Really Pastor, it starts with you. Will you love your people enough to love what they love? Will you love your community enough to love what they love, go where they go, and do what they do? You can do it, and you’ll be better for it, as a pastor, and as a person!
In this week’s podcast, we want to give you four more thoughts on balancing your personal life, ministry opportunities, and family time. This builds on our previous blog post this week, where we shared our first four thoughts on this subject, which were:
Now, here are four more life balance thoughts:
We hope you enjoy this podcast and are encouraged and inspired by it! This week’s podcast will focus on balancing our personal and family lives with ministry. This post gets us thinking in that direction! You've probably noticed by now, if you are a 200church pastor, that ministry is not like a production machine that you tend from 8:00am to 4:30pm each day, with a half hour lunch and two twenty minute breaks. There is not a quota that when met, allows you extra time to relax, or when exceeded, brings large commissions. Ministry really is more like the song that never ends, it just goes on and on, my friends! If we are not careful, we can sing ourselves hoarse, and serve ourselves into exhaustion. If this happens, we have nothing to give our family, our friends, ourselves, or for that matter, our God.
It is interesting how younger church leaders seem to thrive on ministry. They are energized by phone calls, visits, counseling sessions, meetings, messages, lessons, and the study needed to prepare them. They crave growth, new attenders, new programs, increased budgets, and the affirmation of others. Since there is always another Sunday to prepare for, another new person to visit, the next ministry season to plan out, more phone calls to make, emails to send, and leadership articles to read – our ministry responsibilities and opportunities literally NEVER end! Our spouse and kids often end up with the short end of the stick, because the urgency of the moment trumps the need to spend time with them. Their understanding of the importance of ministry would surely overshadow the consequences of not running when someone calls in their crisis. How do we balance our approach to ministry so that our family does not suffer, or worse, end up resenting the very work to which we give our lives? I have just four thoughts… today. I have a lot more, but I’ll just share four: #1 We have to settle the issue of where the power really comes from. We all know that Jesus said “I will build my church.” This really is important for us remember. Jesus is the Great Shepherd, the Savior, and the King of his Kingdom. We work for him. We are empowered by him through his Spirit. Our tireless efforts and sacrificial service, efforts and service that ignore the needs of our families, are truly not needed at all by God. Let’s settle the issue – this is really God’s church. It’s his deal. #2 The next issue we settle is that while ministry never ends, each day does, after only 24 hours. Imagine if, after you allocate 8 hours for sleep each day,(stop laughing!) you decided that the lid on your ministry commitment would end at 9 hours, so that you had at least 7 hours for yourself and your family. Since each day is finite, our contribution to ministry must be finite too. Our spouse and our kids would love a few of those hours. And we need an hour or two to ourselves, for rest, recreation, and renewal. #3 Ministry will never end, but your children’s years in your home will. I’ve messed up in many areas of my life over the years, but one area I managed well was time with my kids when they were at home. I have four children. Two are gone, two are still home. When I was a teenager, pastors were taught that they should reserve one night a week for “family night.” Because the culture back then was to be out doing ministry every night! To spend one night a week at home with family was considered honorable. Some of those pastors lost their family, their health, their ministry, and their minds. Since most children have about 18 years at home, determine to make the most of that time. Andy Stanley says to “cheat the church” if you have to, to make sure your time with your kids is at a premium. They only have two parents, and if the church steals one, they will resent it! #4 Pastors must set an example for their church, in the area of personal leadership and life management. How good for our people to learn to prioritize things like Sabbath rest, sleep, hard work, family, positive healthy living, personal worship time, etc. if we model these things for them! Our church family needs to hear us say “no, I can’t do that”, “no, I will not be able to make that meeting”, and “no, I am already scheduled to be with my son or daughter on that night.” Our preaching and teaching can take on powerful authority if our lives are congruent with our messages. For the sake of our influence, and our people, we must live out and model what we want to see in them. To be clear, family comes before ministry. It has to, it’s like the oxygen mask. We have to minister to our own families first, then we have the right to minister to others. Yes, the song ends. It ends every day, every week, every month, and every year. God created those time frames. They shout “Limits! Boundaries! Finish lines!” Let’s not sing ourselves hoarse. Let’s finish with the fourth verse, then punch out, and go home. God will stay and watch the store. |
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